"How to Hint Properly,"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ CoachT
Recently circulating the Internet is "Man's Rules". The
sender requests you send it on to all females, so that women
will "finally understand men." It's a list of things men
want women to understand, and like all humor, it makes a
point. Then again to men it might not be so humorous.
And here we go on communication .
Point number 6 is: "Ask for what you want. Let us be
perfectly clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Hints
DO NOT WORK!
So I could end the article here, except this isn't about
male and female communication, it's about hints. It's about
communication:
· Communication is much harder than it appears to be.
Assume you're being misunderstood, and also assume you are
misunderstanding are two good basic assumptions to make.
· The more you care about the person and the relationship
the harder it is to be direct, because the stakes of the
turndown are higher.
· Men aren't the only love making that doesn't get "hints"
· Hints DO NOT WORK.
Now let me elaborate.
HARD & HARDER
We need to get something straight from the beginning. All
the coaching, all the psychology, all the Charm School, all
the Emotional Intelligence, all the seminars, lessons and
eBooks in the world will not get you what you want all the
time.
That's a sad fact of life. So the more you want it, and the
more you want it from a certain person, the more the risk.
There are many situations where we feel we MUST have
something. A compliment, a reassurance or a word of comfort
from our partner. A project deadline met at work. A
contract signed. A larger part of the pie. For our child to
wear the pink dress instead of the dirty blue jeans. A
dare. A marriage.
Never is it guaranteed. The more vague and "hinty" you are
about it, the less likely you are to get it however. Here's
one reason why. If the person has it to give, and wants to
give it, they'll give it. If not, they won't. Any
'vagueness' leaves you in that territory where they can
pretend to give you something you pretend you want. And ah,
the resentment.
It's easier in the long run. Take your "nos" upfront and
move on. Either into a more convincing argument, or on to
another source, or downgrading the "need" to a "preference."
MEN & HINTS
I don't see this as particular to the male of the species.
It can exist between the love makinges, that's for sure, but I'm
afraid to break the news that I think it happens between all
people.
I've had male bosses tell me things that were completely
incomprehensible to me. They might as well have been
"hints" for all the sense they made. I consider, "Produce a
pleading," when I don't know what a "pleading" is to be
"hint."
Just because women are traditionally ahead in empathy and in
the area of personal relationships, we consider asking for
nurturing or comfort to be hints, but it doesn't remain just
with females.
I think men ask also "hint" for things. They ask for
something else when they don't know how to ask for what they
want, or what it's called, and in that sense, it's a "hint."
Take kids for instance - always a safer topic, right? When
your three year scoops his plate off the table and on to the
floor he's "hinting" that he doesn't like something. I
almost wrote "doesn't like what's being served," but it
could be anything with a three year old, and that's the
trouble with "hints." Maybe it wasn't the carrots but the
plate or his little sister.
When your partner complains about the way the house looks,
or the way the dinner tastes, it may be a "hint" that he'd
like more affection. Ya know?
When you tell your administrative assistant, "Go run this
off and collate it for me," you are "hinting." There are
two ways to collate. (Yes there are. Did you know that?
See how hard it is?) And what happens after that?
My doctor told me the other day, "Take this PRN." That's a
hint. What does "PRN" mean?
Does being direct and not hinting insure you'll get what you
want? No. But neither does being indirect and hinting, and
the chances are higher if you're direct. And being clear
about what you want is a lot better for your sense of
personal power.
Come on and hawk it up like a hair ball. You've probably
discovered in intimate relationship communication by now,
you're a lot better off to go ahead and say it. If you don't
because you fear it will harm the relationship, it might.
But not saying something that important will definitely harm
the relationship. Somewhere down the line "Don't kiss me
like that, kiss me like this," becomes a divorce. Who ever
meant for it to go that far?
Clear up your communication as best you can, and work on
your tone of voice. We're all in this together!
TONE OF VOICE
Sometimes people think being "direct," means being loud,
stern, or forceful. Maybe you think it should be
accompanied by pointing fingers and pounding fists. Not at
all! It often works well to soften your voice when you're
preparing to be direct. After all when we hear something
loud and threatening (always a personal perception and
personal threshold), we're geared to fight or flight and we
don't receive information well.
Don't know about you, but I tend to stumble into all my
greatest learning experiences. I remember the first time I
got a sore throat when I had a child in the house and
couldn't talk above a whisper. He did everything I asked,
like a little lamb instead of the usual fights. I've also tried
it at work. I find I have exceptionally peaceful days when I
have a cold and can't talk loud. hmmm
HINTS DON'T WORK
It is the hardest thing in the world to come out and say
what you want, clearly and distinctly, in a way that can be
answered "yes" or "no." It's particularly important when it
matters most - when it's emotional, and involves someone you
love.
Asking for something you want emotionally puts you in a
vulnerable position. It's high-risk. If the answer is "no,"
all hope has been removed. However, it defines you as a
person with choices who makes demands and has boundaries.
It frees you to go and get what you want elsewhere, or to
redefine what you want. It gives you knowledge and
information. It takes you out of the fantasy world of
wishing and hoping, and puts you clearly on the path to
being an agent in your own life and getting what you want
that can be gotten!
GO FOR IT!
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I
offer coaching, distance learning courses, and ebooks around
emotional intelligence for your continued personal and
professional development.
See Also:
Back To Article Index
Find More Related Articles
